It’s that time of year again!

Of haunting dreams, long dark nights and sparkles in the distance.

Adults will remember ‘the big freeze’ of 2010; the immense snowfall that caused the nation to be in gridlock. With the cold and knee-deep snow, at a time when a new mother needed support from her husband, I often found myself struggling alone. Statistically, the winter/festive season is when domestic abuse incidents increase, with contributing factors such as pressure on extra spending for gifts, increased utility bills as people stay home longer in the cold weather, and possibly the winter blues having an effect too.

It was the time of year I attempted suicide, after finding out my ex-husband was having an affair. My purpose in sharing this experience is to articulate and describe what domestic abuse looks like behind closed doors, and what goes on in our minds.

The months before

For context, I kicked him out of the house. For the past couple of years, and now with our firstborn, he still refused to pay the bills, or any other contributions in the upkeep of our little family. Just because we live in the UK, it doesn’t mean that all household financial obligations are 50/50 (between husband and wife), in addition to chores and childcare being the responsibility of the wife. I was forced to work full time, with a 6-month-old, who wouldn’t eat or sleep, needing to still manage the Post Office, keep up with housework, and business admin. Looking back, no wonder I snapped. I dropped all the plates I was spinning.

Prior to this, among the visitors who came to congratulate us on our new arrival, was an enemy of my ex-husband’s, but also a distant relative.* Unknown to me, I fulfilled my hostess duties and he hated me for it. His ego had been damaged and I was the cause. I genuinely believed that everything would have been great if our wee guy didn’t arrive because suddenly, my world turned dark, bitter, and a battle. Preparing myself each day to absorb the verbal blows, because I believed I deserved it. I broke his trust, was disloyal, and befriended the (unknown to me) enemy. I recall one afternoon, a few weeks later, when I was feeling disconnected and so lonely, that I begged for forgiveness, reminding him of how much I love him and vowed never to repeat this mistake again.

“Farah, do you even know what love is? What it means to love someone? …

No, you don’t. Because you are naive and have yet to experience the world. I have seen the world, and you know nothing about it.”

Foolishly, I accepted and believed everything he told me I didn’t know. I stood there, soaking in his words, in the hope that he will forgive and move on. Another few weeks passed and not much changed.

 But after some time, I realised how much grudge-holding and talking down is someone supposed to endure before they break? Months of being made to feel ungrateful, stupid, unworthy of loving and being loved: the emotional and mental cost to someone who was already a defect, only deepened the wounds from childhood. I was forced to find a job to his dismay. His jealousy affected his ego again – that I could survive financially without him, and would lead to more bickering and fighting, lead intimidation and threats. Standing up for myself, because no-else could meant mustering the courage, channeling into my own anger against this unfairness, and eventually putting my foot down.

I told him to leave if he couldn’t be a proper husband, so he left with a bruised ego. Within the following month, he would visit, smelling of cannabis, mumbling and speaking in riddles – behaving as though he was a wise and aged guru while the rest of us were imbeciles. He would work himself up to anger, and the threats would come back.

“I’ll kill you all. You first, then *****, then ******, and finally myself”. These words will never leave me, with accompanying bloodshot eyes and malice in his voice.

I knew something wasn’t right. He was in the wrong crowd, smoking weed, and since he wasn’t in my house, he was sofa surfing until he found his own place to rent. His overfriendliness and reliance on our employee, M, was suspicious and confirmed after investigations. Watching them both on our shop CCTV, close and personal, customers reports on their overly friendly exchanges and eventually seeing her car outside his newly rented house. One of the greatest rejections a woman can face is when her man has eyes for others, and not her. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Revenge or anguish

I was so angry. How dare my husband find comfort with another woman, after putting me through so much heartbreak, grief, and insults. This was being disloyal and worthy of all the crap he put me through. I needed revenge. I needed justice. I needed to do this because I couldn’t trust anyone else to do it.

I needed to speak to someone who understood that I needed him to be deported for cheating on me. So I went to a local, equality organisation and explained what had been going on. She obviously heard some serious concerns, because the next thing I was advised was to speak to someone from the local women’s aid. I went and met with an amazing person, who then helped spell out what those concerns were, but I didn’t care for my safety. I wanted him out of my life and out of this country! The advocacy worker advised that she had to contact the police as a duty of care – I learned that my husbands’ volatile behaviour and threats were not normal. I didn’t quite understand the seriousness of the situation, however, the fact that I would have the opportunity to report his misdeeds to the Police, who could help with the deportation process, so I went ahead with the interview.

It was a Friday when they apprehended him, which meant that he had to spend the weekend in police custody. This was an eye-opening experience, not just for him, but for me too. I was on the receiving end of cursing and insults, accusations, and being gaslit. I didn’t know who to trust, who to believe, and who was my well-wisher. I spent that weekend working in the shop, determined to ruin my ex-husband’s reputation and of his ‘friend’. Silent witnesses confessed their observations, and others helped spread the word. By the end of the weekend, after listening to the detailed accounts of his recreational activities, I was disappointed in myself for not being good enough. I failed all my relationships and was more of a burden and pain. I kept telling myself this because I believed it to be true. The exhaustion, frustration and manipulation wore me down so much, that I believed no one needed me. Not even my 9-month-old baby. This is what led me to my overdose.

Survivors guilt or gain?

It’s taken a long time to come to terms with my actions, because of the instinct to blame and hate myself for being selfish. This is a common fallback for many who have experienced trauma and suffer from low self-esteem. What I have learned is that my actions were the result of a long-term build-up of being emotionally beaten, and deprived of my rights, the core feeling of being loved that every human is allowed to have. My glass filled and overspilled, and the only way I could see to cope was to remove the glass. Looking back, I have learned that I was not the problem, and I should not have accepted any blame. Had I been supported and allowed to ask for an intervention, and had someone to hold us to account, then perhaps things would not have gotten this far. It took me another 6 years to learn this, but this is a learning experience to share in the hope to save someone else from suffering.

There is an increased focus on self-care and self-love to break these cycles and live a better quality of life.

For those who wish to who leam and understand emotional abuse, this shared experience is to help embrace the mindset victims have unwillingly adopted, and to show empathy, not judgment, when listening to someone’s pain.  I have shared the suicidal experience on my YouTube channel (you will need to sign in), and there is an age limit set due to the nature of the conversation.

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*this concept of ‘enemy’ in South Asian culture is rooted in a tribal mindset and is (unfortunately) still persistent. The belief of ‘once an enemy, always an enemy’ remains because of a lack of conflict resolution abilities and inflated ego’s.