Trigger warning: details of suicide and depression.
Its taken me over a year to write this piece, because I often think what would happen if I were to share this secret? Luckily, I have got to that point in my life where I have nothing to loose. Therefore, given the high rate in male suicide, I will outline my reasons for my statement.
Fact 1.
As the only son amongst three daughters, south asian culture already placed a gender-bias concept from the day he was born. The masculinity expected from a child feeds into societal pressures of conforming to what ‘they’ think is a good man – someone who looks after the females, makes the decisions and is the breadwinner. Pandering to these ideas and allowing them to be reinforced in the home are learned behaviours, which can only be challenged if a mother is given the opportunity to enhance her knowledge and understanding of the cruel world she lives in. But what happens if that mother is abused, isolated and stripped of opportunities to enhance her education?
Fact 2.
As a son of an abusive and absent father, circumstances caused him to grow up too fast. As a witness to violence in the home, the need to protect his mother – who was his world – became a primary instinct. When a child should be carefree and playing with friends, he would have been worried/anxious and desperate to make sure his world was still intact. He was also mistreated, never receiving the care and protection that a father should provide for his child. My brother was always shunned to the side, watching his dad show affection to his cousins instead. People in our community knew what our father was like, but that still didn’t stop them from their double-standards and judgements. When our parents separated, we were stigmatised and looked down upon, causing further isolation, loss of friendships, community gossip and backbiting etc. Therefore we were never allowed to speak about what we were going through.
Fact 3
As a son to a single mother, the expectations to be the support, the rock and the companion matures a relationship during which time, other children are still testing their boundaries. That wasn’t an option for him though, because it was always a matter to sink or swim, every day. He was a reliable, honest and trustworthy young person by the age of 10 – his quirky interests gave mum some comfort that her son had a bright future. This relationship was fragile – on one hand, he had a desire to fulfil the empty space in the family by taking on the role of ‘man of the house’, but on the other, he was still a kid who had to grow up too fast, burdened with responsibilities that weren’t for him to shoulder.
Fact 4
The growing responsibility on a young person, because he is the male, to look after his female siblings adds to the expectations society had placed on him. His family was disadvantaged because we no longer conformed to the typical patriarchy, therefore our family was shunned from our local community. And because of this, we were seen as unstable and contagious. To be aware of how your community members perceive you in this manner affects your self-esteem, self respect and is demoralising. You know that isn’t the truth. But because he was the ‘man of the house’ he wasn’t allowed to show his emotions or express his concerns. Instead, he just had to get on and ‘deal with it’, and become a source of protection for his younger sisters as well as his mother.
Fact 5
Being a teenager is hard, being a teenager in a single parent, Pakistani family is harder. Add to that being the second generation of migrants and the caring responsibilities that came with it, because mum didn’t know enough English, she suffered from depression and anxiety and became over-reliant on her children to be her support. Being kicked out of your home, rejected by your father, moving home, moving school and coping with trauma during early teen years were serious matters that were never given the attention it deserved. I often wonder where was social services, and how did the school support him? As far as I am aware, they did nothing. My brother couldn’t ask for help, and I don’t think he was asked in a meaningful way either. He had his friends, but how much was he able to really confine in them? And were they enough for his depleted and rejected soul?
Fact 6.
Coping with an elder sister running away from home, was an additional rejection from a close family member, which was heart breaking. When she left, we were broken all over again. We were tarnished, again, in the eyes of society, because our family honour was further damaged. Further isolated, we were seen as collatoral damage now, which somehow gave permission for speculation and gossip. What people didn’t realise was the pain of loosing a loved one. Loosing another relationship for a teenager is like the universe saying that you don’t deserve these people.
And you know the worst part … was reading articles like this, where a ‘much loved’ and ‘popular pupil’ died, and community members where ‘shocked’ as if they never knew of the shit that went on in our home.
The reason I blame society for killing my brother is because of the blind eye turned to our pathetic circumstances. Instead of being a real community and supporting the most vulnerable, a family was left to be manipulated, further damaged with poorer life chances.
“A lot of people call suicide a coward’s way out, but they don’t realize just how bad you are until they have lost someone close or they are in that position themselves.”
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/what-suicide-survivors-want-you-to-know#1
— Hayley L.
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