My Baby – written on 29.11.2018, edited 10.06.2019

He is screaming, he is shouting
He goes quiet and begins scouting
Looking for something, anything
I turn away, my brain tingling

I sit down to catch my breath
Thinking about the sudden death
Of this relationship of mine
And my boy, the blurring of the line

A shoe smacks my arm, caught me off guard
I ignore him, prepare to be marred
I see him with his innocent face
Radiating resentment and disgrace

He is confused now with it all
Mum and dad away, he’s building a wall
Once a family full of love
Now its something for him to dream of

He comes close with his big sad eyes
My heart melts, then I see the lies
As he punches me now
The words coming after, ready to plough

“it’s all your fault” he cries to me
My mind goes blank, I cannot see
I freeze and draw in air to feel
My heart racing,
I wish I could steal His anger,
his hurt and his pain
He doesn’t know so I am to blame
To fight, to love, to hit, to hug
He’s my baby, who once loved to snug

How often do we forget that children are limited in how they can express themselves? What we consider to be misbehaviour, aggression, lack of discipline may actually show legitimate reasons. Thankfully, there is now more progress in academic research in this field, such as Adverse Childhood Experiences and the impact of domestic abuse on children and young people.

I love my kids, but I don’t always like them. Over the last couple of years, I have struggled to cope, about 90% of the time. I am not proud of it, but neither am I ashamed to say it. It doesn’t make me any less of a mother than someone who’s kids are wee angels. Which is why I always say:

Never compare yourself to others

During my separation and divorce period, my children had to face a whole new, scary world of uncertainty, loneliness and conflicting feelings. I can only wonder, how many other mums go through this, and do they even talk about it?
It is such a taboo subject, because as soon as a parent says out loud that they are struggling to cope, there is a notion that social services will become involved, leading to children being taken away.
In Scotland, this is seldom the case (child abuse is a whole different topic). I am proud of the support network and services we have here, but yes, there is always room for improvement.
Rather than expand on this, its more necessary to be able to have that conversation.
So, next time you see a tired mum, just ask

How are you coping?